My husband Jeremy and I were married when my son was 7, but he entered our lives when Alex was just 4. Those two instantly hit it off! Alex had a wrestling partner, a snow ball fight side kick and an overall good guy to have as another great male figure in his life.
When my husband and I met we were both at the beginning of a journey of recommitment to our faith... We did not know it at the time but we knew it later, that God brought us together at the perfect time.
Sometimes when coming back to a walk with God, you have to let some aspects, and people in your life go for a while... it's not easy to do and often not even a conscious thing, but at that moment in each of our lives, we were needing to do that. And at that time, we needed each other desperately...
My husband is a man who doesn't pull punches, but tries to do everything in love (it doesn't always come out that way... but I know he has the best intentions.) He said a lot of things the me the evening we met in person (after a weeks worth of all night phone calls!) that made me fall in love with him right away, but two things I distinctly remember:
- First, he asked me if I ever thought of growing my hair out, I had just a few months earlier chopped off my long blonde locks.. very, very short and his comment, at first, took me aback because he was being so forthright, but made me think, "Gee, this guy is honest!" And his desire to phrase it as a question, well I appreciated the effort... Needless to say I started growing my hair out that day... and have not looked back!
- Second, he told me that he did not desire to physically father children, he was open to adoption but did not wish to have his own children. I thought this was peculiar, but I was totally ok with it as I did not want to physically have anymore children either... This guy was perfect!
As people say, time changes many things... but in 11 years of being together, one thing had absolutely remained the same, we would not be having our own children... and as Alex got older, the more that became solidified, as I did not want to have children so far apart and did not want to go back to that starting line of motherhood!
After we got married, people continued to ask that question, "so when are you guys going to have kids?" Our answer remained that same, "We won't be having any of our children." After a few years of marriage they tried again, "So, you guys are surely going to have kids now, right?" The answer was still a firm, "No."
In late 2013, and early 2014, I suffered two great losses; one of those losses was my brother. He was six years older than me and the only sibling I had that shared both of my biological parents with me. We grew up together from the beginning... and all of a sudden, he was gone, before he even reached the age of 40....
Needless to say these losses shook me in ways I never knew I could be shaken... They tested my faith and helped bolster it as well, I learned who God was in ways I never knew possible, He proved Himself to me in ways I had been totally unaware of.
I had an appointment to make our desire to not physically have any children official, and came to about two weeks before the procedure would permanently make me unable to bear children, what we had always wanted!
I had an uneasy feeling about it, it did not feel right and even my husband (who had also been previously all for the procedure) was unsure as well... We still did not want to have children, were still open to adopting but had no interest in physically having our own.
But after going through something so final, so unpredictable, and so out of my control, in losing a great friend and also my brother... I couldn't do anything "final." Too much had been taking from me without my consent that I couldn't give this up... even if I still didn't want to have any more children, I couldn't take the "ability" away... and my husband was totally on board, although still very firm in his desire to not father children...
Many people were often perplexed by my husbands almost obstinate desire against fathering children. He is amazing with kids, has an awesome sense of humor and is the most compassionate man I have ever met... of course he would make a good father! He was such a wonderful step-father already, it only made sense to everyone else for him to become a father to his own children.
Although it may be difficult to understand, ever since my husband was a teenager he knew he wouldn't have any kids of his own, he had too much "stuff" and "junk" that he didn't want to pass on. The fear of bringing a child into this world, the state of it, brought fear... The fear of passing genetic dispositions to an innocent baby, greatly outweighed any desire to bring children into this world.
The Lord has a way of reminding us where we started and I believe it is so important to remember where we began, otherwise sometimes, we don't think we have made any movement at all! He has promised not to leave us where He found us...
At the beginning of 2015, my husband laid the biggest shocker of all time on me... He said, "Why don't we leave this whole baby thing in God's hands?" My response? "Excuse me? Who are you and what have you done with my husband?"
Little did I know that God had been working on and softening my husband's heart towards having children... That was great! But my prayers for my husband never included, "Lord, please give Jeremy the desire to have children of his own." NO WAY! But my prayers for my husband included things like, "Lord, please help Jeremy to trust you with every area of his life, help him to let go of fear and doubt and be able to have a peace that surpasses all understanding."
As I pondered my husband's statement to me of leaving this whole "baby" thing up to God, I realized God had been answering my prayers, but as it very often happens, it was not in the way I thought. Now I had to ask myself, "Am I trusting God completely? Am I operating in trust or fear?"
My husband had taken a fertility test that revealed it was "highly unlikely that he could father children without medical intervention."
I have to admit, this helped me ease into the idea of "leaving the baby thing" up to God! Months and months passed and my job was coming to a place where we thought a lay off was coming... so I was really stressed! I attributed that to not feeling well, being exhausted and nauseous... but I was very wrong...
Every fear I had about starting over (my baby Alex is now 16) with a new baby, going back to the beginning of the journey, just evaporated at the sight of those two lines that confirmed what used to be mine and my husbands biggest fear... we were going to have a BABY!
So here we are 20 weeks in, half way to the finish line of this journey and the starting line of another (and almost exactly 12 years to the day of Jeremy and I becoming a couple) and God has shown me so much more of His great plan for our lives, but specifically how truly far He has brought both myself and my husband in this crazy journey of life, there are many cliche's you can say, "never say never," "it aint over till the fat lady sings," "expect the unexpected."
But only one thing is true to me... God answers prayers, it may not always be how or when we think, but He does.. and His plans for us are so much greater than we can even imagine!
Thanks for reading and remember that He has promised not to leave you where He found you, never leave or forsake you and that He has amazingly wonderful and perfect plans for your life!